Once Google broke through the rather limiting three dimensions and rolled out a program to communicate with anyone who has ever lived from the beginning of time, it then set out to organize a couple other places.
Keeping with its goal of “organizing the world,” Google is now making plans to map Heaven and Hell. “It’s a natural progression,” a Google spokesperson said. “You’re looking at a couple of pretty vast areas that have been the subjects of speculation and controversy for centuries.”
Google says it plans on first going to Hell. “We feel that’s where the majority of our potential users are, and a lot of them are already computer literate — lawyers. consultants, auditors, a few college presidents.
Google ad sense should do well. “Especially with travel sites. Everyone in Hell is looking for an alternative, someplace a little less intense. Our preliminary research has shown that the area is so huge that the Devil himself doesn’t know where in Hell he is.” The spokesman said this is pretty logical since Satan began admitting a few souls here and there at the beginning and then saw his population rise exponentially over the centuries.
“The 20th century was a real boom time for him. He had souls falling his way by the millions. We think it took even him by surprise. He has no idea of the size of his populations nor any idea what to do with them.
“If we can map out his area, it should go far to make the business operate a lot more efficiently. Right now it’s just Hell.”
The spokesman said Google officials will make the map available to everyone, including the Dark Prince . “Once the Devil has a map and can really get a feel for his area, we’re pretty certain he’s ready to make some changes. He’s already mentioned his desire to transfer philosophy professors to some outer area where they won’t be so disruptive to less confrontational types like computer programmers and mathematics profs.
English faculty are a larger challenge. “Here they argue about the origination and interpretation of a Shakespeare sonnet just as intensely as they did on earth. It would be to everyone’s advantage to get them to a section of Hell where they can be presented with a bigger picture. Maybe then they can expand their world beyond a couplet.”
The Devil does have a handle on one group, Google spokesperson said. “Satan showed us an area where thousands of professor spirits are running on this unending track toward a land called tenure, thinking when they find it they’ll be in Heaven. Satan just smiled and told us, ‘Even after all those years in higher education, they still don’t understand Hell.’”
The spokesperson also pointed out another growing site reserved for souls carrying carnal sins. “The Devil is no fool. He’s been taking notes and is prepared for a stampede of priests and politicians over the next couple decades.”
The next stage in the project is mapping Limbo http://technorati.com/tag/limbo. “This is a really gray area,” Google spokesperson said. “Here we have a big cross section of lost souls — associate professors, brain dead PR directors, marketers who realized after death they didn’t have a direction after all. Maybe with a good map they can find their way again.”
Heaven? “We’ve done a preliminary check,” Google spokesperson said. “All told, it’s a pretty small population base. Residents seem pretty contented. There’s a large group of provosts who like to just sit and quietly babble. Student affairs people wander around basking in eternal silence.”
Google person said researchers did find one anomaly. “Despite their egos, a lot of music people have made it through the Pearly Gates. They are always surprised to discover millions of amateurs singing bad renditions of a few standard hymns. After a nanosecond of this, most music profs opt for a transfer. One prof through the beta Google Dead program told our researcher, ‘I’ll sing for the Devil himself if I don’t have to endure one more soul warbling ‘Amazing Grace’. With this kind of noise, eternity damn long time. And do these angels know that their harps are out of tune?’”
While Google feels that Heaven will be a loss leader because of the small base, it is determined to complete the project. “Hey, the population might start rising again,” Google spokesperson said. “Doubtful, but you never know. Google likes to cover all its bases.”
When asked about a URL, Google spokesperson said there will be three addresses. “We were going to put Heaven, Hell and Limbo on one site, but we didn’t think the world is quite ready for that.
“We’re living in very politically correct times.”